So I never really thought I’d be doing monthly check-ins but that’s what it looks like is happening! I can’t believe my baby girl is 2 months (and a bit) already! The days are definitely long, but time is still passing.
It’s been 2 months since I gave birth. At times, it feels like it was just yesterday. But then at other times, that one day is already becoming a distant memory when compared to the challenges I’m faced with daily.
I’m going to be honest with you: motherhood is HARD. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I feel like laughing when I think of my struggles during high school, university, the process of getting married, and pregnancy. I still remember thinking pregnancy was difficult. I feel like someone should have shook me and told me to enjoy myself, since life wouldn’t be the same after giving birth. I remember being so annoyed at the fact that I couldn’t sleep on my back, at the end of my pregnancy; I was so uncomfortable with my belly that I couldn’t wait to sleep PROPERLY after the baby. HA! One thing I’m not doing these days: sleeping properly.
Motherhood is difficult in a way that nothing else is. It’s a job that demands you to be there 24/7. There are no days off, no off-times. There are days when I’m dying to crawl into bed, especially as the sun goes down and the day comes to an end, but I know that my day isn’t necessarily finishing. There’s still work to be done at night. The lack of sleep drives me crazy; all I want to do is sleep. Sleep uninterrupted. There are days when I stuff anything I can get my hands on in my mouth in the few minutes I have to spare. Dieting and trying to lose any of the baby weight are a dream I can’t even be bothered with right now. There are days when going to the bathroom is a luxury. Those few minutes I get to myself in the bathroom are the only break I get. There are days when I feel like crying as much as baby, from utter exhaustion and frustration. There are days when I finally reach my bed, wondering how I’m going to get up again in the morning. But somehow I do it all again the next day.
The quote “The only thing constant in life is change” describes motherhood perfectly. Each day is different. Even when I think baby and I have a routine, or some sort of schedule, something changes and I’m back to trying to figure out what happened. The first year of a baby’s life is filled with changes, so I know that the way baby girl is now is bound to change in a few weeks. There are many milestones coming up: teething, rolling over, holding her head, eating solids, crawling, talking, walking, and more! So even when I think “Ok, I’ve got this” I know I have to be realistic because things will change.
Even though I had 9 months to prepare to become a mother, I still feel so lost sometimes. I wish my husband and I had spent more time together, before baby girl arrived. I wish I had used my time during pregnancy better to do the things that my hands itch to do these days. I wish I had accomplished more in my life. It’s hard to say this, but I’m going to be honest: I miss my old life.
This is not to say that I don’t love my daughter and don’t realise what a big blessing I have. I am thankful and grateful for my little princess every day. But it’s still a transition. And a difficult one at that. I’ve wanted kids for as long as I can remember and have always pictured myself having a big family. But I still find myself trying to stay afloat most days.
I look at other mothers and they make it look so effortless that I can’t help but thinking that there’s something wrong with me or my baby. Are we doing something wrong? How can I be better, more efficient, and get more done? I see many mothers who are working, running businesses, taking care of the house, raising other kids, volunteering, exercising, and much more. I feel like I barely get anything done. All I do is take care of baby but I wish I could do more. I know motherhood is not a competition but it’s so hard not to compare my life to the lives of other moms who make it all look so easy on social media.
Whenever I ask people if it gets easier, they tell me it gets harder. And I can’t imagine it being any harder than it already is. They say “The days are long but the years are short.” I haven’t gotten to the years yet, but the days are endless and exhausting.
I don’t know if I’m a good mother. Patience is a virtue I’m sorely lacking. I find myself feeling frustrated often. Many days I’m left feeling drained and I try to think about what I got done in the day. It doesn’t feel like much: the laundry didn’t get folded, I wasn’t able to help out with the cooking, and I didn’t get around to asking my husband how his day was. All I did was feed and change my baby, and try to figure out why she’s crying.
But then I start to remember the smile baby girl gave me first thing in the morning, a smile so sweet and pure it made my heart so full of love it felt like it would burst. I remember the way her eyes widen with wonder at the world around her and the way they are filled with so much love when they meet my own. I remember the way her finger grasps mine when she’s drinking her milk, and the funny and cute faces she makes afterward. I remember the yummy way she smells, my favourite smell in the whole world and one I will never forget. I remember the sweetness in her manner when she giggles, music to my ears. I remember the way her body curls into mine when she’s sleeping, as if all is right in her world as long as we are together. And it somehow makes it all okay.
Thanks for reading,