The Married Life

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Hello friends! Wow, so more than a month has passed by since my last post. Yikes!

So I’m writing this as a married lady now, and it kind of feels weird. I still catch myself calling my husband my fiance when talking about him to other people, before catching myself. I also have these weird moments when I pause and think, “Is this really my life?” So much changed so quickly that I’m still getting used to my new reality and the other person I now share my life with.

Sometimes I still don’t believe that the wedding is over; I had stressed so much about so many little things and now that I think back to them, I realise how silly those things were.

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In classic me fashion, I was sick throughout the whole wedding. -_- Why is this classic? Because I often get so nervous that I make myself sick. I can’t eat, can’t sleep, and basically can’t function because of nerves. This happened the first time I met my fiance, when we we became engaged, and every meeting subsequent that. The wedding day? I was a mess.

In the days before the wedding, I hadn’t eaten or slept and so I was utterly exhausted by the time the Nikkah or Islamic marriage came around. I still remember after the Nikkah was performed and I was led outside to meet my new husband; it was such a cold day and I was already shaking from nerves. Having hardly spoken much to my fiance (now husband) prior to the wedding, I had no idea what to say to the guy! Luckily, our little photo-op didn’t last long as our family was as cold as we were (albeit they were wearing coats and we weren’t!) and soon we got to leave in our respective cars.

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At the mehndi that night, everyone tried to tell me to calm down! They all kept saying, what else is there to be nervous about? You’re already married! But my stubborn stomach wouldn’t listen. It churned and turned right up until my entrance, and I felt like I was going to pass out as I saw all eyes on me, including the ones of my now husband. Being force-fed meethai or Indian sweets didn’t help my condition but I tried to be a good sport about it, taking sips of water in between. My husband took it all in good grace and ate every truffle and ladoo that was fed to him. I don’t know how he did it!

The next day was our reception and rukhsati. That was the official ‘giving away’ part of the wedding as my dad would officially give my hand to my husband. I was better this day, having gotten a little more sleep the night before. I even managed to eat a few bites of rice in between getting my hair and makeup done but as the hours ticked closer to the event, I could feel the violent butterflies re-emerging.

I made it through my photoshoot without incident, but as soon as my husband arrived, so did the jitters. Everytime the photographer told me to look at him or put my hand in his hand, I erupted in a burst of violent giggles. It was so hard! Having never held a guy’s hand before, it was kind of hard to do it on the spot, with a strange man watching me, and then giving directions on how to make it look better.

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As the event wore on, I found my head getting heavier and heavier. All I could think about as I smiled and posed for photos was of lying down and falling asleep. I started feeling so dizzy that I couldn’t even eat the food at the wedding or try the wedding cake! What’s worse is my new husband was so worried about me he didn’t eat much either. I felt so bad!

Now that I think back to my wedding day, I wish I could have slapped some sense into myself. I hardly enjoyed the day and just stressed everyone out around me. I tried to be calm, but I was feeling so many emotions that I was just a mess. By the time the event finally came to a close, I felt numb. As my family and friends cried and hugged me goodbye at the Rukhsati, I remember feeling so strange.

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I often find myself thinking back to this time last year; being in teacher’s college and thinking that I would never get married. All my friends were getting married or were engaged, and I was depressed about not finding someone. But within a few months of thinking this, I met my fiance and the rest, as they say, is history! Alhamdulilah :)

Even though we’ve only been married for a few short weeks, I can’t imagine my life without my husband. After being engaged in June, we spoke every day up until a week before the wedding. But what I discovered about him in those seven months pales in comparison to what I know about him now after being married for just a week. SubhanAllah, it’s amazing.

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I’ve been trying to get back into blogging for a few weeks now but there’s always something or other going on. This blog, and the other have taken a hit, and I keep feeling guilty about it. But I’m hoping to try to get into a new routine soon so I can get back to blogging, writing, and baking. In the meantime, please excuse the sporadic posts!

I hope you’re all having a good start to the new year! I can’t believe January is almost over! Time is definitely flying.

Anyways, hope you’re all well. :)

Thanks for reading,

Ikhlas

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Hello December

So it’s been almost a month since I last updated, yikes! After quitting my job at Chapters last month, I thought things would be nice and slow and relaxing, but they definitely haven’t been!

So what have I been up to this past month, other than wedding planning? Lots!

I’ve been listening to the new Taylor Swift album pretty much on repeat. And when that wasn’t enough, I went out and bought the physical album because it was that awesome (don’t judge me). The last time I bought a physical CD was back in high school and it was Hilary Duff. -_- It’s such a fun CD to listen to, and totally takes me mind off wedding jitters (who needs nerves when you’re jamming to Blank Space?!)

I also got back into reading! In my last few days of work I bought a few books and in my attempts to start reading more ‘adult fiction’, the first title I selected was Bone Season. It’s too bad that it didn’t end up being the best book, but it did get back into reading! It started off strong, but I lost interest pretty early on. There was just way too much to keep track of and I had to force myself to finish it by the last third. But I’m glad I’m done, because I can finally start to tackle some of the books that have been on my shelves for months. Some examples include: Alif the Unseen, The Name of the Wind, Cress, and Longbourn. What should I read next?

I also finished marathoning Gossip Girl. Again, don’t judge me! I started it merely out of curiosity more than a month ago and it was so addictive, I kept going! There were so many things wrong with it, so it was more of a guilty pleasure than anything else.

But what I spent the bulk of the month doing was preparing for a pre-wedding reception that my parents threw for me just last week. I had a vision for the party and tried to organize it the best I could to make it happen. There were a few setbacks, like my dress not fitting properly and the banquet hall screwing up with some of the decor, but alhamdulilah it went well for the most part. There were some emotional speeches and moments, and it all just made me realise how lucky I truly am. :)

Anyways, now my sole focus is on wedding planning. I’m hoping I can update both my blogs a little more, start skipping again, and get back to eating healthy. Those are my goals for this month…what are yours? Hope you all had a good November :)

Thanks for reading,

Ikhlas

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The End of an Era

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So yesterday was my last day at work, and what I like to think of as an end to an era.

Can an era be only two years long? Apparently it can, because as I hugged one of my managers goodbye at the end of my closing shift last night, that’s exactly what it felt like was ending as I walked towards my car.

Like many bookloving Canadians, I grew up dreaming of one day working at Chapters. As the only large bookstore chain in Canada, it was my favourite place as a kid. I still remember spending all of my Eid money on books every year and then making my list for the next year. I still remember the excitement I felt when my mom drove me to the store and let me browse the shelves.

Two years ago when I first applied to work at Chapters, I applied for any and every job that was available. The one that I ended up getting was a stocking job and started at 5 AM. I still remember the sense of excitement that filled me, regardless of the early start, when I found out I got the job.

While the 5 AM shifts weren’t exactly ideal, I was still filled with wonder and awe at the idea of working where I’d always dreamed of as a kid. Naturally, my wonder quickly disappeared and was soon replaced by being jaded, as the love of books became secondary to so many other things.

During my year at teacher’s college when I was just always stressed, work ceased to be a place of joy for me and just another place of stress. I no longer worked 5 AMs but did the same job on the weekends, because I was in downtown Toronto everyday. I was constantly tired and being around books didn’t give me the joy it always did.

Flash forward to the end of teacher’s college. I decided to switch from tasking (the stocking job) to a sales job. It looked like a lot more fun because I would actually be able to share my love of books and stories with other people, instead of just stocking the shelves.

Work became a place of escape at this point as I struggled to find my next steps after finishing a gruelling year of teacher’s college. I rediscovered my love for children’s books and bought every kid I knew my favourite books.

Over the past few months, I ceased to find joy in work again since my personal life became quite busy. As thoughts of my wedding consumed my mind and wedding preparations took over my life, I stopped reading and buying books obsessively.

After I gave my two weeks notice, I began counting down my days to my last day because I just had so much to do and couldn’t wait to be done. But last night, as I walked through the empty store for the last time at 10:30 pm, I wished that I had enjoyed it a little more before leaving.

As I walked through the Teen section, my favourite section, straightening up piles of books and shelves, I was struck by the fact that I had been so lucky.

As a kid, I had always wanted to work at Chapters. And my dream came true. Alhamdulilah.

We are often so obsessed with the dreams that don’t come true that sometimes we don’t appreciate the dreams that do (even the small ones).

Despite how hectic my personal life was in the past two years, despite how stressed out I was, I now realise that I was living my dream. And for that I’m grateful.

Even though I was counting down to my last day, I now realise that I’m definitely going to miss being around books and book-loving people all day. There are friends I made there that I normally wouldn’t have, just because we bonded over our mutual love of stories and books. There are moments that happened there that I will never forget, like meeting author Morgan Rhodes. And I definitely can’t forget about missing the wonderful discount I got!

It was a wonderful opportunity. Now onto the next adventure!

Thanks for reading,

Ikhlas

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On Letting Things Go

For those of you who know me personally, you’ll know that I’m kind of a control freak. Call it my perfectionist nature or my bossy older sister role, but I have a hard time letting things go. Planning a wedding with this kind of nature is kind of tough though, and I’m recently learning on how to just let things go.

Given the fact that I have a very short timeline to plan my wedding, the days lately have been kind of crazy. In a way, they sort of remind me of my teacher college days. Last year, exactly around this time, I remember feeling so pressed for time. I remember writing a short piece describing this feeling of never having enough time, and it perfectly paints the picture of racing against the clock. I spend the days on the phone, booking appointments, scouring the internet for research, and running all around town to various malls. Add on top of this working part-time.

I’m lucky because I don’t work full-time, but balancing everything has become really tricky lately. Things are falling through the cracks and I’m trying to just let them.

Keeping up with all the things I normally do has become more challenging lately, and it’s so hard to to just let them go. This blog and my other blog have recently taken a hit. The work I usually do for my other blog via social media has also taken a hit. I’ve stopped looking at The Muslim Girl’s Google analytics because they’re just so abysmal but I can’t do anything to keep them up. I’ve fallen so ridiculously behind on my book goal on Goodreads that I’ve just stopped logging onto the site. My goals of baking and cooking more have fallen by the wayside, and I barely have time to eat since there’s always something else I should be doing. I had to abandon my sewing classes as I met with the designer of my wedding dress.

In the beginning, I tried to do it all. I really did. But as the days went by, it got harder to catch up on things. And that’s when I realised I just can’t do it. No matter how much I try, something’s got to give. So I reorganized my priorities. Preparing for the wedding and spending time with my family are the most important things, and so everything else can wait. If I get time to blog, I blog. If I don’t, I try not to beat myself up about it (too much).

It’s so hard letting go, especially when I’ve always tried to stay on top of things and get everything done. For me, it’s like failing to complete assignments for which I’ve set myself deadlines. The guilt builds up and I end up feeling disappointed in myself.

But I’ve realised that I can’t keep beating myself up over things that I just can’t do, especially at the risk of tiring myself out.

So if you don’t hear from me in awhile, I haven’t dropped off the face of the earth. I’m just letting things go.

Wish me luck!

Thanks for reading,

Ikhlas

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The Big Secret

hello lovely

Hello friends!

So it’s been quite awhile since I’ve updated here, and for those of you who have been wondering, I haven’t dropped off the face of the earth. I’ve just been quite busy!

Busy doing what, you ask? I’ve been busy planning my wedding, my friends!

So I’ve debated a lot whether or not to share my news on my blog. I’m quick to share poems and daily qualms but wasn’t sure how I felt about sharing something so big on here, which is why I refrained from sharing the news of my engagement a few months ago as well.

For those of you who know me personally, you know that I’m a pretty private person. I don’t like to flaunt my life on social media. And so that’s why I didn’t post any pictures or make any announcements on my personal accounts or on here.

But with the wedding date being decided and then coming up so close, hiding it felt strange. Even hiding the engagement felt strange over the past few months (if you noticed me talking about being distracted, that was why!), especially since some of you have been reading this blog since I started it in the summer of 2011 when I was fresh out of university and in my creative book publishing program. Some of you were there when I wrote about struggling with my decision to not go into book publishing. Some of you were there when I wrote about completing my third and latest manuscript. Some of you were there when I wrote about deciding to go back to school again. And some of you were there when I struggled through a hectic year of teacher’s college.

And so I realised I wanted to share my news with you all. :)

The past few months have been kind of crazy and exciting and wonderful. If you remember me talking about the summer being life-changing, you now know why! And now looking forward to the next few months seems like it’s going to be another roller coaster ride.

After being newly engaged, I kept thinking that one day I would wake up and it would have all been a dream. But the wedding is only two and a half months away, and my new reality is finally dawning on me. It’s not a dream and I feel like the luckiest girl ever, alhamdulilah.

I haven’t really checked in with my emotions yet. I’m just so crazy busy with wedding planning that the reality of what’s going to happen hasn’t really hit me yet. I’m so caught up with the details that I haven’t really thought about the big picture. Saying goodbye to life as I’ve known it over the past twenty five years to embark on a new, unknown chapter is both so scary and so exciting.

As a writer, being able to express myself in the written word has always been tantamount to me. But as wedding jitters have taken over the creative parts of my brain, being able to share my thoughts with you all on this blog is such a blessing.

But if I start sounding like a crazy bridezilla as December approaches, not you know why! And please forgive me in advance.

As always, thanks for reading,

Ikhlas

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