Today I have no words.
It’s been one week since my maternal grandfather died. I did not get to see my grandfather before he died, like my brothers and cousins and family did when he was in the hospital. Nor was I able to attend his funeral. Two things I will never forgive myself for.
Today I am filled with memories of my childhood, of the man who loved me unconditionally, a man who showered me with love from the moment I was born, to when I spoke to him for the last time as he lay dying in the hospital bed. I am bursting with images of him and all the things he did and said, as well as all the times I was too busy to talk to him and brushed him off. I am filled with guilt.
Today my heart begs me to find solace in my mother’s arms, like I so often did when I was a kid, but then I realise that I am an adult and must bear this alone. She lost her father and must support her mother, my grandmother, who is now a widow. Their grief is unimaginable. I must bear this alone.
It’s been a week of disbelief and hundreds of moments where I remember him, only to realise he is gone. Being far from him makes it harder to come to terms with his absence. I didn’t see him fall ill nor did I watch his body give up its will to fight. I am oblivious to this horrific images. Sometimes when my phone rings with both my grandparents names on the screen, I mistakenly think I might hear his voice again. For a brief moment I forget.
Today I realise how much I need to cherish my family, because I don’t know when they’ll be gone. I never realised, when I hugged my grandfather back in July, and felt his scratchy face as he kissed my head, that it would be the last time. I never knew that I would never see him again, or that if I did, it would be for a brief moment, on a tiny screen, in which he could barely speak. I had no idea.
Life has a strange quality to it these days. Being away from everyone makes me miss them even more, and I spend my days longing to to go back, to cherish those family BBQs, movie nights, impromptu parties, and weddings. I long to go back.
Today, it’s been a week, but I still don’t know what to do with myself. Today, I have no words.
I’m sorry for your loss! I lost my grandfather when I was away from home too, and I also found it really hard being away from my family at that time. My grandfather was one of the closest people to me, and losing him was a huge blow for the first few months. As time went by though I started to realize how lucky I was to have had over 20 years of life with him, and so many amazing memories! I still talk to him all the time in my head, and whenever something funny, sad, or amazing happens, I always immediately know exactly what he would do or say….so in a way it feels like he is still here with me! Hopefully you’ll come to feel this way too soon!
Thanks so much for your message and your kind words, Natalie! It is hard being away from the family. And yeah, I immediately recognized how lucky I was to have spent so many amazing years with him. I’m very blessed that way. It’s just hard knowing I didn’t get to say a proper goodbye 🙁