A Few Scattered Thoughts

I sit across my brother as he sits choosing university courses. How easy it seems, to him at least, to choose the course of his life in a matter of a few classes. His eyes are lit up with excitement at the prospect of them, of the roads they will inevitably lead him down.

I sit beside him, tired, old, and weary. The light has faded from my eyes and not much makes me light up like him. Now I know that the world is not only round, but also angular and confusing and strange. The roads not taken are many and I don’t have enough fingers to count them on.

My burnt dreams are a distant ember, barely glowing, and are about to be snubbed out by the harsher, colder realities of today. Will I ever get out of debt? Will I ever be successful? Will I ever be who I wanted to be?

According to some, I am only twenty three. To me, I am a bitter twenty three, already too old in the eyes of the cynical girl in the mirror. Others have travelled the world twice over and risen to grand heights and fallen in and out of love. But I still sit at the same desk my ten year old self sat at, sleep in the same bed my ten year old self slept in, haunted by the wild and fantastical dreams she dreamt, too scared to move.

All I have left are these words; words that beat restlessly inside of me, rattling the very cage of my soul. These words are not pretty nor light; instead they flap out lopsidedly onto this page, ugly and heavy with the burdens I’ve placed on them.

And so I let them go, watching as they rise and fall to distant heights, hoping they take a part of me with them, wherever they go.

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  1. Anonymous says:

    I love your blog! I think we all feel like this sometimes, life seems so monotone and so opposite of the glamour we had imagined when we were 10 years old. But that’s human tendency, once in a while (I’m guilty of this ALL the time) we keep wishing for more and more and forget our countless blessings. If Allah doesn’t give you the dreams that you pray for in this life, He will give you so much more than you couldve ever dreamt of in the hereafter iA. But I will make dua that all of your dreams come true, that you’re successful and with zero debt in both lives. You’re so talented mA, I love your style of writing and you deserve so much success in this life with your talent.

    • Ikhlas says:

      JazakAllah khair for your sweet duas! 🙂 You’re definitely right, I should be more thankful to Allah, but sometimes it’s easy to get lost in these feelings. And yes, it’s not always that our prayers get answered in this life, they might get answered in the next.

      Thank you so much for your comment and your words…hope you continue to follow my blog! 🙂

  2. Chelsey says:

    Ikhlas! This is a “down on love” kind of post! I, Dr. Chelsey, instruct the following:
    1) A long night of movies where the characters are questioning their lives, only to have wonderful things happen. Some suggestions are You’ve Got Mail, P.S. I Love You and The Devil Wears Prada. Did I mention that they must all be girly movies? Well they do.
    2) You must make a list of all the things you’ve accomplished in the past year. School, interning, making your own fake publishing house (sounds easy but it was SOOOO not), new jobs, a blog, a baking following (me!) and more!
    3) You must make a list of all the things you are interested in. Because for real, you have a lot of interests: fashion, food, writing. AND you must check out this website (http://www.tdsb.on.ca/wwwdocuments/programs/continuing_education/docs/Winter2013.pdf). Jay and I look at it sometimes.. little courses on pretty much EVERYTHING. I think I will go to something in the new year =).
    Anyways. You have accomplished much more than you feel you have and have so many prospects that lay before you. Just keep pushing on! You can do it =).

    • Ikhlas says:

      Awww thanks for the love, Dr. Chelsey! <3 You're right...I have accomplished a lot, but tend to forget it sometimes.

      And I love those movies...I haven't seen P.S- I love you yet, but I will check it out soon!


  3. Haneen Ibrahim says:

    You know what Ikhlas? I just wish once, only ONCE you get to write something about yourself that doesn’t make me react in this way:
    “The Story of My LIFE!!!”
    I mean twenty three? Girl I’m way older and still stuck, feeling old and worse (and this one I wish for no one) I suffer from anxiety disorders, and it’s driving me crazy.

    But girl? what’s life without hope and optimism, those two beautiful feelings that makes waking up every morning worth it?
    Your so talented, like multi talented! And you’re so unique in every aspect!(or is it on? :/) anyway, you are more than capable of fulfilling your dreams, you are already on the right way.
    I mean come on! The amount of books you read till this day in 2012? It’s ridiculous! Girl if that’s not research, I really don’t know what else to call it. and have you considered a cook book? You know the kind with every recipe there’s a story? You will do fab with that.
    You’re a great investment Ikhlas, I would invest in you if I had a chance.

    We’re talented, we got girl power, we have faith, what more do we need? Beware success Ikhlas is on her way to hunt you down.
    Sorry had to have a last word, no matter how lame it turned out to be  :p

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